Burn, Baby, Burn!

The old school been leaving you cold lately? Bored with playing? Getting irritated about something you read about online - but you just can't put your finger on what it is? Dying to get something off your chest that will increase your blog's readership? I hear you! Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't or won't say 'It's just a game' anymore. Sometimes, you don't even need a reason. Sometimes, you just wanna spark your lighter and start a fire. This is for those times.

Kellri's Old School Random Tinder Box
- Compatible with Old School Gamers and their Modern Simulacra -
RULES: Get some polyhedral dice. Roll on the Big Beef Table for the initial spark. Add fuel to the fire by getting specifics from the appropriate subtable. Fan the flames on an online forum. Take it to Gencon and inflame some old wounds. Forward a copy to your nerdy arch-nemesis and laugh as they immolate themselves. Just make sure to take the time to sit back and enjoy the warm glow of the fire. It's just a game, after all.

01-03 [GAME] is nothing like [GAME]. [PERSON] would know that if he wasn’t such a [EXPLETIVE].
04-06 [PERSON] plays [GAME]. That proves he’s nothing but a [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE]
07-08 [PERSON] & [PERSON] bow to Victorian societal values.
09-10 [PERSON] is so [DESCRPTOR]! He’s the Idi Amin of gaming.
11-13 [PERSON] is dead. Long live [PERSON]!
14-16 [GAME] is the one true way. Now piss off you [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE]s!!
17-19 [PERSON] is only a shill for [COMPANY]. Don’t believe a word that [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE] says.
20-22 [GROUP] are nothing but another elitist clique, a pox on them!
23-25 [GAME] is nothing but a plagiarized hatchet job.
26-28 Real men play [GAME]. That makes [PERSON] a [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE].
29-31 I’m sick and tired of [PERSON]’s whisper campaign against [GAME]
32-34 [WEBSITE] is the REAL home of [GAME] on the web.
35-37 Only [EXPLETIVE]s hang out on [WEBSITE], plotting their one-true way campaign.
38-40 [PERSON] is a [EXPLETIVE] but nevertheless, entertaining..
41-43 [GAME] is not an rpg because of [RULE]
44-46 Only [EXPLETIVE]s play [GAME] and use the [RULE]
47-49 [PERSON] said [GAME]’s [RULE] is [DESCRIPTOR].
50-52 Stop picking on [PERSON], he’s the most level-headed [EXPLETIVE], after all.
53-55 Try to imagine how [PERSON] would play [GAME] and do the opposite.
56-58 [COMPANY] ruined [GAME] with the [RULE]
59-61 [COMPANY] saved [GAME] with the new [RULE]
62-64 [PERSON] worked for [COMPANY]. What a [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE].
65-67 If I could, I’d kick [PERSON] right in his [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE] ass!
68-70 [PERSON] is the most intelligent guy in gaming and he likes the [RULE]
71-73 [PERSON] only plays [GAME] because they’re nostalgic.
74-76 [GAME] is completely broken because of the [RULE]
77-79 [PERSON] says [COMPANY] is going to get sued because of [GAME] and he’s a lawyer.
80-82 [PERSON] vs. [PERSON] – nerdrage battle royale!
83-85 [GAME] is better than [GAME] because it ditches the pointless [RULE]
86-88 [WEBSITE] is just a bunker full of [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE]s.
89-91 [PERSON] has been banned from [WEBSITE] after being warned for starting an edition war.
92-94 [COMPANY] is almost bankrupt. Or so I heard….
95-97 [WEBSITE] members are the Taliban of gaming!
98-00 [WEBSITE] is talking about [GAME] again. Let’s start a flamewar!

d% PERSON or GROUP (Roll 1d4 members)
1 Chris Gonnerman
2 Rob Kuntz
3 James Boney
4 Axe Mental
5 Clark Peterson
6 Daniel Proctor
7 Dave Arneson
8 Dave Kenzer
9 Ed Greenwood
10 Frank Mentzer
11 Allan Grohe
12 Gene Weigel
13 Geoffrey McKinney
14 Gnarley Bones
15 Trent Foster
16 James Maliszewski
17 James Mishler
18 James Raggi
19 Lorraine Williams
20 Jeff Rients
21 Jim Ward
22 Kellri
23 Matt Finch
24 Melan
25 Mike Mearls
26 Peter Bradley
27 Robert Conley
28 Ron Edwards
29 RPGPundit
30 Ryan Dancey
31 Sean K. Reynolds
32 Settimbrini
33 Thorkhammer
34 Stuart Marshall
35 Tim Kask
36 Joe Goodman
37-50 You
51-52 Grognards
53-54 Bloggers
55 Female Gamers
56-57 Conservatives
58-59 Expat Gamers
60 Gay Gamers
61-63 Liberals
64-65 Monte Cook
66-68 Forge-ites
69-70 Swine
71-73 ex-TSR hirelings
74-75 Vin Diesel
76-77 LARPers
79-84 Gary Gygax
85 Gail Gygax
87 Dungeondelver
88-90 Fight On! Magazine
91-93 Knockspell Magazine
94-95 Computer Games
96-97 Dragon Magazine
98-99 GenCon
100 Dave Trampier

1d20 GAME
1 White Box D&D
2 Storygames
3 1e AD&D
5 2e AD&D
6 Swords & Wizardry
7 3/3.5e AD&D
8 Labyrinth Lord
9 4e D&D
10 Microlite 74
11 D20
12 Castles & Crusades
13 Hackmaster
15 Chainmail
16 Tekumel
17 Classic Traveller
18 Forward! To Adventure
19 Moldvay Basic
20 Holmes Basic

1d20 RULE
1 Initiative Rules
2 Descending Armor Classes
3 Nudity & Graphic Violence
4 Demi-human Level Limits
5 Skills & Feats
6 Abstract Combat Rules
7 Vancian Magic
8 Clerics
9 Gygax-isms
10 The SIEGE Engine
11 Storytelling
12 Thieves as a PC Class
13 Mass-Combat Rules
14 Monks & Bards
15 Artwork
16 Tournament Rules
17 Inept Editing
18 Adventure Paths
19 PDF Sales
20 Restrictive Licensing

1 Stupid
2 Fat
3 Perverted
4 Ignorant
5 Moronic
6 Greedy
7 Communist
8 Fascist
9 Hardcore
10 Wishy-washy
11 Foul-mouthed
12 Backstabbing
13 Happy-slappy
14 Sick
15 Shameless
16 Butthurt
17 Basement Dwelling
18 Dogmatic
19 Incompetent
20 Racist

1 Troll
2 Fucktard
3 C-tard
4 Grognard
5 4on
6 3-tard
7 Blowhard
8 Mormon
9 European
10 American
11 Canadian
12 Dick
13 Englishman
14 Madman
15 Clown
16 Self-Promoter
17 Swine
18 Child Molester
19 Narrativist
20 Fanboy

5 WOTC/Hasbro
7 Mythmere Games
8 Troll Lord Games
9 RPGNow
10 Necromancer Games
11 Goblinoid Games
12 Lulu
13 Brave Halfling Publishing
14 Free netbooks
15 Kenzer & Company
16 Games Workshop
17 Judges Guild
18 Goodman Games
19 Arduin
20 Flying Buffalo

1 RPGSite
2 Knights & Knaves Alehouse
3 Grognardia
4 Dragonsfoot
5 ENWorld
6 RPG.net
7 The Forge
8 Jeff’s Gameblog


Matt Finch said…
(wiping away tears of laughter) I have to get some dice and see what I roll up...
Jeff Rients said…
I could play this all day.

Alan Grohl worked for Brave Halfling Publishing! What a fat fucktard!

Necromancer Games ruined Castles & Crusades with nudity and graphic violence!

Jeff Rients vs. Mike Mearls – nerdrage battle royale!
Ragnorakk said…
Instant kit to make all the right friends at the RPGsite! Hideous!
Grumpy Old Man said…
Dude.....can I adopt you as my kids' crazy uncle?

I now have to program this into some sort of BBCode extension for randomized sig lines.
Matt Finch said…
Forward! To Adventure is the one true way. Now piss off you stupid Grognards!!

Stop picking on Peter Bradley, he’s the most level-headed Self-Promoter, after all.

OSRIC is completely broken because of the Skills /Feats
d7 said…
Someone needs to implement this on Abulafia. Someone other than me who has that "time" thing.

Wait, I'm not supposed to be on the internets right now. Curses!

(captcha: carnar (noun). A Narrativist heretic who insists on GMing political epics using Car Wars.)
Al said…
hah! very nice.

Word verification: "Monaship". Not quite as big as the Mothership.
nomilieu said…
In case no one has told you, Kellri, you have the best blog around. There's no filler posts or useless crap, just pure laughs and great stuff.

Marcus said…
Awesome to the max.

word verification: argante
The lost musketeer!
Unknown said…
My, this is VERY useful! :)
Kellri said…
After getting flamed on RPGSite by the [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE] Mrk (he announced he called Interpol on me for suspected pedophilia, no less) I decided to USE that rage in a creative outburst of my own. Why get angry when you can get funny, am I right? Flame away...but always remember to put on your asbestos thong first!
E.G.Palmer said…
"Al, Word verification: "Monaship". Not quite as big as the Mothership."

I thought that was the airship that Eric Mona flys to game conventions?
Oh man. If there's a blogger anthology this next year, this should headline.

Screw that, actually. Expand it and make it a product at RPGNow.
rainswept said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris T said…
Brilliant. I love your work.
Sigmar said…
It's amazing what you can stuble upon when you're surfing. Now, how did I get here and where was I going ?

I'm sure this has something to do with Games Workshop !
grodog said…
Hey, is "11 Alan Grohl" supposed to be me? :D

verifcation word: "beliv"

Matt Finch said…
Allan, it is the Tao that misspells your name. When you realize this, and embrace the misspellings, then you will be able to mentally communicate with Tom Cruise.

Um, ... which might be why you try to correct them, actually, come to think of it.
AndreasDavour said…
Matt, how many comments do you have to this post? You have way to much fun around here! :)

Brilliant! This is spraying-screen-with-coffee kind of fun.

Isn't the blogosphere supposed to be kind of dead on fridays?
Kellri said…
Just edited a bit to clear up some misspellings. You hear that Grodog! - when somebody flames you, I want them to get your name right, 'cause by the time we're finished with you you'll be the undisputed Great Satan of gaming.
Akrasia said…
Brilliant! :D

Word verification: "Gandwin" ("The Super-White"?)
grodog said…
Scot: Sorry, you've got one more to fix then :D : "11 Allan Grohl" --> 11 Allan Grohe

I think I just found a new .sig quote: "Grodog! - the undisputed Great Satan of gaming" :D :D

Moritz said…
Would i be okay for you if I "converted" your post for the German RPG szene?
Kellri said…
Certainly! And be sure to send me a link when you're done. I wanna be able to flame Settimbrini in his language next time! :D
Narf the Mouse said…
Y'know, I don't agree with you on some stuff and I'm going to have to disagree with you here.

It's not hilarious. It's far too true to real life to be hilarious.

It is, however, funny in a 'sad, sad people' kind of way.

You've just summarized RPG nerdrage into a set of tables. Have a cool point or something.
Kellri said…
It is far too true to real life. And just like you, I'm guilty of everything implied here- probably moreso. But this is our hobby, not our religion or our profession. If we can't laugh at ourselves at play, when can we laugh??
Gene Weigel said…
I am a random roll of "46"!!!

grodog said…
No, Gene: you're "12" :D :D

Sigmar said…

I disagree, I think it's just a bit of fun. Once again... how the heck did I end up here?

my Bat Rep site
Anonymous said…
Now my IRC boys are coding it up so I get one of these whenever I try to open the #Celtricia page... Remind me why I showed them this?

(Oh, yeah...It's becasue I laughed REALLY hard the first time I saw it.)