Burn, Baby, Burn!

The old school been leaving you cold lately? Bored with playing? Getting irritated about something you read about online - but you just can't put your finger on what it is? Dying to get something off your chest that will increase your blog's readership? I hear you! Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't or won't say 'It's just a game' anymore. Sometimes, you don't even need a reason. Sometimes, you just wanna spark your lighter and start a fire. This is for those times.

Kellri's Old School Random Tinder Box
- Compatible with Old School Gamers and their Modern Simulacra -
RULES: Get some polyhedral dice. Roll on the Big Beef Table for the initial spark. Add fuel to the fire by getting specifics from the appropriate subtable. Fan the flames on an online forum. Take it to Gencon and inflame some old wounds. Forward a copy to your nerdy arch-nemesis and laugh as they immolate themselves. Just make sure to take the time to sit back and enjoy the warm glow of the fire. It's just a game, after all.

d% BEEF
01-03 [GAME] is nothing like [GAME]. [PERSON] would know that if he wasn’t such a [EXPLETIVE].
04-06 [PERSON] plays [GAME]. That proves he’s nothing but a [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE]
07-08 [PERSON] & [PERSON] bow to Victorian societal values.
09-10 [PERSON] is so [DESCRPTOR]! He’s the Idi Amin of gaming.
11-13 [PERSON] is dead. Long live [PERSON]!
14-16 [GAME] is the one true way. Now piss off you [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE]s!!
17-19 [PERSON] is only a shill for [COMPANY]. Don’t believe a word that [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE] says.
20-22 [GROUP] are nothing but another elitist clique, a pox on them!
23-25 [GAME] is nothing but a plagiarized hatchet job.
26-28 Real men play [GAME]. That makes [PERSON] a [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE].
29-31 I’m sick and tired of [PERSON]’s whisper campaign against [GAME]
32-34 [WEBSITE] is the REAL home of [GAME] on the web.
35-37 Only [EXPLETIVE]s hang out on [WEBSITE], plotting their one-true way campaign.
38-40 [PERSON] is a [EXPLETIVE] but nevertheless, entertaining..
41-43 [GAME] is not an rpg because of [RULE]
44-46 Only [EXPLETIVE]s play [GAME] and use the [RULE]
47-49 [PERSON] said [GAME]’s [RULE] is [DESCRIPTOR].
50-52 Stop picking on [PERSON], he’s the most level-headed [EXPLETIVE], after all.
53-55 Try to imagine how [PERSON] would play [GAME] and do the opposite.
56-58 [COMPANY] ruined [GAME] with the [RULE]
59-61 [COMPANY] saved [GAME] with the new [RULE]
62-64 [PERSON] worked for [COMPANY]. What a [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE].
65-67 If I could, I’d kick [PERSON] right in his [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE] ass!
68-70 [PERSON] is the most intelligent guy in gaming and he likes the [RULE]
71-73 [PERSON] only plays [GAME] because they’re nostalgic.
74-76 [GAME] is completely broken because of the [RULE]
77-79 [PERSON] says [COMPANY] is going to get sued because of [GAME] and he’s a lawyer.
80-82 [PERSON] vs. [PERSON] – nerdrage battle royale!
83-85 [GAME] is better than [GAME] because it ditches the pointless [RULE]
86-88 [WEBSITE] is just a bunker full of [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE]s.
89-91 [PERSON] has been banned from [WEBSITE] after being warned for starting an edition war.
92-94 [COMPANY] is almost bankrupt. Or so I heard….
95-97 [WEBSITE] members are the Taliban of gaming!
98-00 [WEBSITE] is talking about [GAME] again. Let’s start a flamewar!

d% PERSON or GROUP (Roll 1d4 members)
1 Chris Gonnerman
2 Rob Kuntz
3 James Boney
4 Axe Mental
5 Clark Peterson
6 Daniel Proctor
7 Dave Arneson
8 Dave Kenzer
9 Ed Greenwood
10 Frank Mentzer
11 Allan Grohe
12 Gene Weigel
13 Geoffrey McKinney
14 Gnarley Bones
15 Trent Foster
16 James Maliszewski
17 James Mishler
18 James Raggi
19 Lorraine Williams
20 Jeff Rients
21 Jim Ward
22 Kellri
23 Matt Finch
24 Melan
25 Mike Mearls
26 Peter Bradley
27 Robert Conley
28 Ron Edwards
29 RPGPundit
30 Ryan Dancey
31 Sean K. Reynolds
32 Settimbrini
33 Thorkhammer
34 Stuart Marshall
35 Tim Kask
36 Joe Goodman
37-50 You
51-52 Grognards
53-54 Bloggers
55 Female Gamers
56-57 Conservatives
58-59 Expat Gamers
60 Gay Gamers
61-63 Liberals
64-65 Monte Cook
66-68 Forge-ites
69-70 Swine
71-73 ex-TSR hirelings
74-75 Vin Diesel
76-77 LARPers
78 WARLOCKers
79-84 Gary Gygax
85 Gail Gygax
86 TARGA
87 Dungeondelver
88-90 Fight On! Magazine
91-93 Knockspell Magazine
94-95 Computer Games
96-97 Dragon Magazine
98-99 GenCon
100 Dave Trampier

1d20 GAME
1 White Box D&D
2 Storygames
3 1e AD&D
4 OSRIC
5 2e AD&D
6 Swords & Wizardry
7 3/3.5e AD&D
8 Labyrinth Lord
9 4e D&D
10 Microlite 74
11 D20
12 Castles & Crusades
13 Hackmaster
14 BFRPG
15 Chainmail
16 Tekumel
17 Classic Traveller
18 Forward! To Adventure
19 Moldvay Basic
20 Holmes Basic

1d20 RULE
1 Initiative Rules
2 Descending Armor Classes
3 Nudity & Graphic Violence
4 Demi-human Level Limits
5 Skills & Feats
6 Abstract Combat Rules
7 Vancian Magic
8 Clerics
9 Gygax-isms
10 The SIEGE Engine
11 Storytelling
12 Thieves as a PC Class
13 Mass-Combat Rules
14 Monks & Bards
15 Artwork
16 Tournament Rules
17 Inept Editing
18 Adventure Paths
19 PDF Sales
20 Restrictive Licensing

1d20 DESCRIPTOR
1 Stupid
2 Fat
3 Perverted
4 Ignorant
5 Moronic
6 Greedy
7 Communist
8 Fascist
9 Hardcore
10 Wishy-washy
11 Foul-mouthed
12 Backstabbing
13 Happy-slappy
14 Sick
15 Shameless
16 Butthurt
17 Basement Dwelling
18 Dogmatic
19 Incompetent
20 Racist

1d20 EXPLETIVE
1 Troll
2 Fucktard
3 C-tard
4 Grognard
5 4on
6 3-tard
7 Blowhard
8 Mormon
9 European
10 American
11 Canadian
12 Dick
13 Englishman
14 Madman
15 Clown
16 Self-Promoter
17 Swine
18 Child Molester
19 Narrativist
20 Fanboy

5d4 COMPANY/GROUP
5 WOTC/Hasbro
6 TSR
7 Mythmere Games
8 Troll Lord Games
9 RPGNow
10 Necromancer Games
11 Goblinoid Games
12 Lulu
13 Brave Halfling Publishing
14 Free netbooks
15 Kenzer & Company
16 Games Workshop
17 Judges Guild
18 Goodman Games
19 Arduin
20 Flying Buffalo

1d8 WEBSITE
1 RPGSite
2 Knights & Knaves Alehouse
3 Grognardia
4 Dragonsfoot
5 ENWorld
6 RPG.net
7 The Forge
8 Jeff’s Gameblog