DM: Kids, I'm so glad you've decided to join me tonight for this campaign communication session.
Player 1: So, what's up, are we going to play or not?
DM: No, I just wanted us all to talk as a group.
Player 2: Ok, but let's make it quick. I'm missing the season finale of Vikings for this shit.
DM: Well, to be honest, I'm been a bit concerned. The other day I was on Dragonsfoot and I noticed a couple of you complaining about 1st edition AD&D and particularly about my Dungeonmastering skills.
Player 1: You're not a fucking mod are you?
DM: No, I'm not a mod. Now, I'm not here to start an (makes parenthetical marks in the air with his hands)Edition War. I mean, that's not what I'm about. I'm just concerned that complaining about my handling of encumbrance and demi-human level limits could lead to other things like 2nd Edition or other (makes parenthetical marks in the air again) Editions that Shall Not Be Named or even worse, BECMI. I know you really don't want to hear this kind of thing from your Dungeonmaster so I've come up with a brilliant idea to give you kids some direction. A motivational speaker. One of those guys who speaks to small groups of nerds in basements and at community centers.
Player 2: You mean to come here and lecture us?
(Players both stand up together to leave)
Players (in unison): Later dude!
DM: Hey, hey...don't go. This set me back a few bucks. Give him a chance. Ok, his name is Gene Weigel. Now he's been down in the basement drinking Red Bull and Whiskey and popping mood-stabilizers for the last 6 hours and he should be ready to go. I'll call him up.
(DM walks over to the basement door)
DM: Gene! We're ready for you!
(DM turns to the players)
DM: His speech is called The One True Way. Now he's used to small groups of semi-retarded misfits, so make him feel at home.
(turns back to the basement door)
DM: Gene! C'mon up buddy!
(Gene Weigel walks into the room, sweating profusely and looking like he hasn't taken a bath or shaved in a decade)
Gene: Hey! How is everybody. Good, good, good. Now, as your Dungeonmaster probably told you, my name is Gene Weigel and I am a motivational speaker. Now let's start by letting me give you a little bit of scenario about what my gaming hobby is all about. First off, I am 52 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a basement down by the river! Now you kids are probably saying you're going to play a casual game of AD&D and houserule a few things here and there. Well I'm here to tell you that whatever ideas you have about AD&D don't amount to JACK SQUAT! You're going to end up eating a steady diet of Xanax, drinking Mad Dog 20/20 and LIVING IN A BASEMENT DOWN BY THE RIVER!
(Gene turns to Player 1)
Gene: Now young man, what do you want to do with your life?
Player 1: Well, actually Gene, I kind of want to be a game designer.
Gene (shouting): Well, LA-DEE-FUCKING-DA! We got ourselves a game designer here!
(Gene turns to the DM)
Gene: Hey, Dungeonmaster, I can't see really good, is that Gary Gygax over there?
DM: Well, actually Gene, I've encouraged Scot to write an occasional encounter or two and think about running his own campaign game on alternate weeks.
Gene: (shouting) Yeah, I wish you could just shut your big TRAP!
(Gene turns back to player 1)Well, what I've heard is that you've been using that computer of yours for trolling on Dragonsfoot! You're gonna be doing a lotta trolling when you're LIVING IN A BASEMENT DOWN BY THE RIVER!
(Gene turns to Player 2)
Gene (shouting): Young man, what do you want to do with your life?
Player 2 (deadpan): I want to live in a basement, down by the river.
Gene: Well, you'll have plenty of time to live in a basement down by the river WHEN YOU'RE LIVING IN A BASEMENT DOWN BY THE RIVER!
(Gene, gets up on the table and begins flailing his arms wildly)
Gene (shouting): So, you're probably asking yourselves, Gene, how can we GET BACK ON THE RIGHT TRACK! Well as I see it, there is only one solution, and that is for me to get my AD&D books, move it on in here, and be your Dungeonmaster, cause I'm going to show you what real Gygaxian gaming is all about. We're going to be buddies, we're going to be gamers, we're gonna (Gene manhandles Player 1 up onto the table) wrestle around in the basement and make youtube videos and listen to country & western music. Ole Gene is going to be your shadow! Here's you, here's Gene. There's you, there's...
Gene (standing back up): Whoopsie Daisy. Whoopsie Daisy. I'm gonna go get my books right now. (Gene walks out the front door)
Player 2: Hey, hey, you don't have to do that. We'll never complain about 1st edition on Dragonsfoot ever again.
DM: (shouting through the open door) Uh, Gene, hey, thanks for all you've done.
Gene (reappearing at the door): I don't give a rat's ass because I'm taking over this campaign. I'm sick and tired of LIVING IN A BASEMENT DOWN BY THE RIVER!
(Gene walks out again)
(DM closes and bolts the door)
DM: Is the backdoor locked?
Player 1: We love you Grodog.
DM: I love you too.
(Whole group sighs and hugs)
(Fade to black)